House rule number
by BecJedi
Summary: Obi-Wan is on the most dangerous mission of his life: he’s trying to get Qui-Gon out of bed without getting killed. Do, do, dooo! (Obi is 13).


Title: House rule number…

Author: BecJedi

Category: Humour, non-slash

Rating: A very small PG. There's only very minor swearing and, again, a lot of craziness. It was very late at night when I wrote this, and let's say that boredom took a great part in writing it.

Summary: Obi-Wan is on the most dangerous mission of his life: he's trying to get Qui-Gon out of bed without getting killed. Do, do, doooo!

****

*NOTE*: You may want to read 'The Big Cleanup!' (it's just on my page) to know about 'the letter', 'Quiggy-poo', and 'Fangs'. 

Also, I would like to dedicate this to my master (and beta-reader), Charmisjess (ie. Below is what it takes for me to get up at 6am for messenger! Just kidding, buddy!)

***

Obi-Wan glanced up at the clock and felt another one of his hairs turn gray. This wasn't right. He was thirteen for crying out loud! A boy of his age shouldn't be getting gray hair. But then again, this boy's master was Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Yeah, so he kicked arse with a lightsabre this guy, but when it came to hauling his own arse out of bed…well, that was another story.

It had been a whole week since Obi-Wan had moved into Qui-Gon's quarters. After they had 'bonded' during the cleaning out of his room ("Master, you're so great, you know? I'm so happy you're my master." "Obi-Wan, I can't hear you! Will you just shut your big mouth up and help me clean this stuff out from under the bed…by the force, that's where my bubble gum collection went!"), Obi-Wan had quickly learnt Qui-Gon's 'house rules'. These had been laid out to him in a _very_ serious talk during dinner one evening. The padawan remembered it like it was yesterday…probably because it was yesterday…

__

"Alright, Obi-Wan, there are some rules that you have to obey if you want to live under my roof," the master begun, grimacing at the sight of Obi-Wan trying to eat some very over-done steak.

"Go on, Quiggy-poo."

Qui-Gon slammed his fist on the table, making Obi-Wan jump. "HOUSE RULE NUMBER ONE: NEVER CALL ME THAT STUPID NAME AGAIN!"

"Okay, okay!" Obi-Wan cried, putting his hands up in surrender. "Let me guess. House rule number two: no YELLING!"

"Don't yell padawan, it's rude. Anyway, house rule number two: the bathroom must be kept clean at all times and must NOT, that's **NOT**, be used as somewhere for you to leave your…certain items of clothing. That's what the LAUNDRY BIN is for."

"Okay, sounds fair."

"House rule number three: the knocking on closed doors is essential."

Obi-Wan laughed. "Yeah, no kidding! I mean, woh, you ain't just a tall man, are you, master? I think I now know why Master Adi wrote you that love letter!"

Qui-Gon's face went red with anger. "House rule number four: the mention of a certain letter will result in two months grounding."

Obi-Wan just smiled, to Qui-Gon's surprise, and said, "house rule number five: if a gift, such as a PINK, ALMOST FLUFFY DINOSAUR, is given to another, YOU CAN'T GO NICKING IT BACK!"

Qui-Gon stuck his face out closer to the padawan, meeting his challenge. "House rule number six: using my hair dryer to dry a certain PADAWAN'S soiled 'clothing' IS NOT ALLOWD!"

"House rule number seven: if a certain MASTER is going to use my hair brush, all the CLUMPS OF LONG GRAYING HAIR must be removed after use!"

"House rule number eight: if a certain PADAWAN choses to parade around these quarters wearing what **could** resemble boxers, he must do so WHEN NO MEMBERS OF THE COUNCIL ARE VISTING HIS MASTER!"

"House rule number nine: if a certain MASTER insists on taking me as his padawan, COULD HE PLEASE TRY AND TRAIN ME INSTEAD OF MAKING ME LISTEN TO HIM WHINING TO THE COUCIL EVERY TWO SECONDS. EW, NO, MASTER YODA, I THINK YOU'RE WRONG, BEING THE GREATEST JEDI EVER!"

"House rule number ten: YOU INSULT ME ONE MORE TIME AND I TAKE AWAY YOUR LIGHTSABRE!"

"House rule number eleven: I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!"

With a faster than light movement, Qui-Gon jerked up from the table, grabbed Obi-Wan by the scruff of his tunic and lifted him off his seat. The padawan let out a babyish squeak, struggling like a fish on the end of a hook. Qui-Gon let him squirm for a moment, nodding with a serious look on his face as if he was listening to an in depth conversation, and then…**YOINK**…yanked the boy's lightsabre from his belt. Obi-Wan was dropped back down without any mercy.

Qui-Gon gave him a rather smug smile. "House rule number twelve: ha, ha, I got your lightsabre. So there."

Obi-Wan pulled a face. "House rule number thirteen: do you think you could act your age, old man?"

"House rule number fourteen: no, since you came into my life I've been acting like an idiot, kiddly-wink."

"House rule number fifteen: nice to see we can agree on something."

"House rule number sixteen: nice to see I can learn something from my padawan. That being the art of immaturity."

"House rule number seventeen: I love you too."

"House rule number eighteen: stop being sarcastic."

"House rule number nineteen: don't you think this is getting a little boring now?"

"House rule number twenty: yes, it is a bit, isn't it?"

"House rule number twenty-one: shall we stop?"

"House rule number twenty-two: you stop first."

After they got to house rule number one hundred and twelve, the two did at last stop. Qui-Gon finished the conversation with one last thing.

"Okay, listen Obi-Wan, all I ask is that we each give the other some privacy, we keep the place clean–"

"You mean like how you left your old room as an international dumping ground for about twenty years?" Obi-Wan asked, pretending he was a stupid, eager child.

Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes. "Just let me finish. Yes, well, privacy, being clean, taking turns with the cooking…oh, and if you try to wake me up in the morning, I'll pull your legs off and use them to beat your small, scrawny little body into the ground."

Obi-Wan spat out the piece of tough steak he was still trying to eat. "Sorry?!"

Qui-Gon shrugged, paying more attention to his food, as if what he'd just said had been friendly conversation. "I'm not a morning person. I swear, Dooku once tried to get me out of bed when I'd only had about three hours sleep. Let's just say, he locked my lightsabre away at night and only gave it back when I'd at least two cups of coffee in me. When the full moon was out, he locked me in my room until eleven o'clock in the morning and would feed me coffee through a straw under the crack in the door."

"Enough said."

So here Obi-Wan was, in the greatest peril of his life. It was ten o'clock in the morning and Qui-Gon still hadn't woken up. The council had rung at nine, telling Obi-Wan they needed to speak to Qui-Gon at ten thirty. 

__

Well, there's nothing for it, Kenobi. You're a jedi for crying out loud…

No you're not, you're just a little, stupid apprentice with a really dicky haircut…

Go, on, wake him up. He'll be angrier if you don't let him know about the council. You know how cranky he gets when the council gives him those 'respect' lectures…

Yeah, just make sure he hasn't got his lightsabre on him. Otherwise you're head is going bye bye bye…and that ain't no lie, baby, bye bye bye…

"Listen, voices, would you shut up!"

__

Sure thing, Obi, but it's the last time we're gonna be hearing from you…

Obi-Wan shook his head, shaking the voice away. "Man, maybe I really should go and see that psychologist Qui-Gon was talking about."

But one of his crazy voices was right. He had to wake Qui-Gon.

__

Stealth mode. "Do, do, do, dodo…"

__

HEY! Stupid, padawan! Yeah, you with the braid! You might wanna stop singing the Mission Impossible theme and GET ON WITH IT!

Doing as his angry voice suggested, Obi-Wan shut up. He crept on his tip toes, silently approaching Qui-Gon's evil fortress of ultimate doom (the area formerly known as Qui-Gon's room). The door was partially open. Glancing to his left, glancing to his right, and then looking forward, Obi-Wan nudged the door open with his foot.

__

CRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAKKKKK!!!

Obi-Wan cringed, as the door gave away his position. He prepared to lose his head…but nothing came. The padawan slowly opened his eyes…Qui-Gon was still asleep.

Obi-Wan burst out laughing, quickly tightening his hands over his mouth to stifle his giggle. Qui-Gon Jinn, the most dignified man he knew, lay flat on his stomach, one leg hanging off the side of the bed. His face was swished up against his pillow with his pink dinosaur Fangs under his arm, curled into his chest. A faint snore echoed throughout the room. His hair, untied, was half stuck to his face, half being blown back and forth with every snore. He was naked, save for some very torn, very old pants that stopped at his knees. A sheet was wrapped around the leg that remained on the bed. And let's just say, for Qui-Gon's next birthday, Obi-Wan was giving him some toenail clippers...or maybe a pair gardening sheers...

Obi-Wan jumped. Qui-Gon began to speak!

"Oh, please, Mr. Irwin, don't let that three metre crocodile eat my padawan!"

"BAWHAHAHAH–"

Obi-Wan quickly stopped his laugh, trying to ignore Qui-Gon's sleep talking. He had to get serious. He was on a mission here!

__

Alright, Kenobi, this party's over. Let's go…

Deciding that now was not the time to wonder why one of his voices sounded like Mace Windu, Obi-Wan crept up to his master and knelt down beside him. 

"Ah…Qui-Gon," he whispered. "Master, it's time to wake up."

Qui-Gon snored at him.

"Master? Come on, Qui…Quiggy-poo…" He said a little louder.

Still Qui-Gon didn't wake. Obi-Wan took the large man's shoulders and shook them firmly. "QUI-GON, WAKE UP! WAKE UP! THE COUNCIL WANTS TO SEE YOU IN HALF AN HOUR!" Obi-Wan screamed.

Nothing. The jedi master was still asleep. This called for drastic measures.

Obi-Wan left the room, letting the soft sound of Qui-Gon snoring fill the air once again. Tranquility fell around the sleeping jedi knight, his peace undisturbed. Even as he slept, he appreciated the silence…the beautiful, beautiful silence…

"OH, THE FORCE, THE FORCE, THE TEMPLE'S ON FIRE! THE TEMPLE'S ON FIRE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MASTER TAHL IS DYING, MASTER, SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND, **_AND SHE'S DYING A GREAT AND MOST TERRIBLE DEATH_**!" Obi-Wan shrieked, bolting into Qui-Gon room, waving his arms like a spastic person.

"Tell her to die quietly, I'm trying to sleep," Qui-Gon moaned, burying his head under his pillow.

Well, at least he was awake. "BUT THE TEMPLE'S ON FIRE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"See you on the other side."

Obi-Wan crossed his arms in anger and disbelief. "You are so pathetic, you know that, don't you?"

That same soft snore was all he got. Well, trying to trick his master hadn't worked, maybe coffee would.

Obi-Wan went and made a big mug of the strongest coffee humanly possible. Then he chucked it and the mug out, because it had set off the fire alarm. He didn't want to kill his master…well…no, he didn't want to kill his master.

So, with a fresh cup of steaming coffee, he entered his master's room. He waved it slightly around the room, letting the aroma fill the air. Qui-Gon started to stir! It was working!

Obi-Wan went down to his master. "Look, I have coffee…_coffffeeee_…"

Qui-Gon, eyes still closed and with one arm around Fangs, reached out for the cup. Obi-Wan moved back. The master edged closer. Obi-Wan moved further away. Qui-Gon's arm stretched even further. He was almost falling out of his bed now.

"Come on, master, just a _littttllle_ further."

"Give me the bloody coffee, Kenobi."

"You have to get out of bed to get the coffee, master dear."

Qui-Gon was silent for a moment, considering the padawan's proposal. Then he force pushed it, spilling the boiling hot liquid all over his padawan. Obi-Wan let out a scream.

"Fine, you have it," Qui-Gon said.

"THAT'S IT! I'M BURNING NOW! IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF BED, I'M GONNA CALL THE HEALERS AND TELL THEM YOU'VE BEEN ABUSING ME!"

"Send them my regards," Qui-Gon mumbled, settling back to the indent in his bed.

Obi-Wan pulled out his comm and pretended to call the healers. "Hello, is this the lead healer? Yes, well, I want to report that my master has been abusing me."

"He's right you know!" Qui-Gon yelled to the comm.

"He's been throwing coffee on me! My skin will forever be marked with scars!"

"Yep, I'm a bad, bad master. You can have him. Take him away from me, for his sake!" Qui-Gon yelled towards the comm again.

Obi-Wan growled, throwing his comm into the wall. "YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!"

"I love you too, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon mumbled, turned over.

"I thought house rule number seventeen was not to be sarcastic."

"Nah, house rule number eighteen, you stupid boy."

"WELL, YOU JUST BROKE IT!"

A rather loud snore was Qui-Gon's only reply. Obi-Wan pointed at Qui-Gon viciously, like it would hurt him. "YOU ASKED FOR IT!"

The padawan ran into the kitchen and flung the pantry doors open. He needed saucepans. Ah, the two biggest ones he could lift.

"This'll really make him brassed off," Obi-Wan muttered, running back to the room.

He started banging the pots together, singing in beat to the noise. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!"

Qui-Gon buried his head under his pillow again. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

But Obi-Wan continued to pace the room, making as much noise as he could. Qui-Gon was really starting to get angry, thrashing around in his bed in frustration and clamping his pillow to his head, trying to out-yell his padawan.

"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

The two suddenly stopped, the sound of Obi-Wan's comm going off. The padawan tried to yank it from the wall (it was embedded in there. Obi-Wan had been angry) but it wouldn't come. He had to speak into the wall. He answered it politely.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi here."

"Listen, Obi-Wan, this is Tahl. May I please speak to Qui-Gon?"

Obi-Wan turned to his master, who was shaking his fist threateningly at his padawan. His other hand was being used to hold the pillow to his head. His blazing blue eyes spoke powerful threats: _you do and I cut your allowed time in the shower to two minutes! And I don't care if you've still got conditioner in your hair!_

"Sure, Master Tahl. Just let me get him."

Qui-Gon collapsed in a big heap of jedi knight, angrily sinking under the sheets. Obi-Wan pulled on the comm, yanking as hard as he could. At last it came lose. Unfortunately, the force sent Obi-Wan flying. He landed right on top of his sulking master. The padawan didn't mind, hey, he wasn't the one being sat on. Qui-Gon, on the other hand, swore in about seven different languages.

"Here he is, Master Tahl," he said sweetly, shoving the comm under the sheets aggressively. He heard Qui-Gon growl sleepily, pushing Obi-Wan off him.

"_Whhhhhhhhat_?" He whined down the comm.

Tahl's brisk voice came out loud and clear. "Listen, Qui-Gon, get out of bed. You're padawan is disturbing the peace."

Qui-Gon, to Obi-Wan's surprise, sat up. He smiled at his padawan.

"Uh-oh."

***

"Obi-Wan, I'm really, really sorry about this. I didn't know what I was doing."

The padawan didn't even look at his master. "I'm not talking to you."

"Oh, come on, I did warn you I wasn't a morning person."

Obi-Wan turned his back to Qui-Gon, moving his head off to the side as the lead healer bandaged the big cut on his head where Qui-Gon had ditched the comm.

"I went to see the council, on time as well."

Obi-Wan still ignored him. 

"They have a mission for us...but I'm not sure whether we should take it, considering the way we've been…getting on lately."

That got Obi-Wan's attention. He spun around, whacking the healer with his braid, and smiled at his master.

"Have I told you how much I love you, master?"

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow. "House rule number eighteen…"

Obi-Wan just got bitter. "Yeah, where's the house rule that says you can't give me a concussion?"

"I said I was sorry!"

Obi-Wan just turned his back to Qui-Gon again. He began to talk to the healer.

"Healer Colar, were you a good padawan who only tried to help out your master, but your master just THREW THINGS AT YOU AND BURNT YOU WITH STEAMING HOT COFFEE?"

Healer Colar smiled. "Sorry, Obi, I'm not getting into this. You're free to go home now."

Obi-Wan hopped off the bed, his head aching but there were not longer seven Healer Colars. "Thank you, master healer. I hope you have a good day."

Colar just gave him that smile again. Obi-Wan walked out of the infirmary, still ignoring Qui-Gon.

"This isn't funny, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon warned his padawan, right on his heels.

"Ow, my head hurts soooo muuuucccchhhhh," Obi-Wan whined to himself.

"FINE!" The master gave in. "We'll go on the mission."

Obi-Wan spun around and hugged his master. "Oh, thank you, master!"

"Obi-Wan! Stop hugging me! Geez, not in public, please. People are looking at us! They're gonna start talking!"

Obi-Wan let go off his master, but would not let go off his insanely large smile. "So where's this mission? What is it? Do we have to go save a princess from a really big slug on some desert world?"

"Nah, we don't get to do that one."

"So…"

Qui-Gon smiled. "You'll see."

***

"I'm never going to talk to you again."

Qui-Gon just laughed, leaning back in the pilot's chair of the small spacecraft. The council was so impressed that Obi-Wan had managed to get Qui-Gon out of bed that they now had given him a mission to wake a hibernated Hutt who they needed to question.

"Oh, come on, Obi-Wan, don't sulk now. It's not very jedi like."

"House rule number one hundred and thirteen: leave me alone."

"House rule number one hundred and fourteen: don't be rude to your master."

"House rule number…"


End file.
